S01/E24: “I Am the Thread” – Weaving All That I Am into Presence

S01E24: “I Am the Thread” – Weaving All That I Am into Presence

Introduction

Welcome back to Martfotai, a direct path to wholeness, inner freedom, and becoming.

In Episode 22, we explored Martfotai consciousness itself, the Person of Light, whole, neutral, and present.

In Episode 23, we discovered life lived from clarity rather than toward it. The new beginning that was always now.

Today we turn to the work of integration itself.

You have glimpsed presence. You have felt the stillness beneath the noise. Now comes the weaving, where all you have seen must live together in one fabric.

This is where understanding becomes embodiment. Where every fragment, every part, every version of yourself finds its rightful place in awareness.

The thread that runs through all of it begins to reveal itself. The single continuity beneath all change. The presence that connects every moment you have ever lived.

You are that thread, the quiet awareness that has never been broken, the unifying current that holds every part of you in being.

Section 1: The Many Revisited

Remember Episode 1? “I Am Many” showed fragmentation clearly.

Different “I”s ruling at different times. Each forgetting others existed. No continuity of consciousness. No unified will operating. The exhausting constant switching between separate identities.

That was diagnosis. Clear seeing of what is.

Think about your cast of characters now. Morning “I” wakes enthusiastic, makes plans, sets intentions for the day ahead. Evening “I” arrives tired, abandons those plans, forgets what morning “I” promised.

Angry “I” reacts to boundary violations. Compassionate “I” understands suffering, forgives mistakes, holds space for healing. Spiritual “I” seeks recognition, strives for wholeness. Mundane “I” shops for groceries, commutes to work, exists in ordinary life.

Each one carries partial truth. None holds whole truth alone.

The problem was never the fragments themselves. The problem was fragmentation. The splitting that kept them separate. The lack of unified awareness holding them all.

Hopefully, something has shifted since Episode 1. You see the switching now when it happens. Awareness watches the parade of “I”s passing through consciousness.

The recognition deepens: you are the awareness in which all “I”s appear and dissolve.

This is the thread.

Always present beneath the changing identities. Always aware whilst thoughts come and go. Always unified whilst experiences fragment and recombine.

Check this now, in this moment. Which “I” is listening to these words right now? Curious “I” wanting to understand? Sceptical “I” questioning everything?

Notice something that sees that “I” operating. The seeing itself is the thread. It was present before curious “I” appeared. It remains after curious “I” dissolves into the next identity.

The seeing never switches positions. Never forgets itself. Never fragments into separate pieces.

But seeing the thread isn’t enough by itself. You must actively weave the fragments together.

Integration is work. Conscious labour. Intentional practice over time.

Section 2: Integration versus Suppression

Here’s the critical distinction that may help understanding.

Suppression pushes away unwanted parts. Integration includes all parts consciously.

Suppression creates shadow that operates unconsciously. Integration creates wholeness that functions consciously.

How suppression operates in practice: “I shouldn’t be angry.” You say this whilst your jaw clenches, chest tightens, fists form without permission. The anger doesn’t disappear because you deny its existence. It goes underground. Operates unconsciously from shadow. Becomes more dangerous when unseen.

“I can’t show weakness.” This suppresses vulnerable “I” entirely. You build armour around sensitivity. Maintain a facade of strength. The weakness you deny leaks out as passive aggression, mysterious illness, eventual collapse.

Consider anger specifically as a concrete example.

Suppression looks like this: “I’m experiencing zero anger.” You say this through gritted teeth, body broadcasting rage through every tense muscle. The anger you deny leaks out as resentment towards others, constant criticism of everything, gradual withdrawal from connection.

Integration operates differently. “Anger is present in this moment.” Simple acknowledgement without judgement. Just seeing what is actually here. The anger gets felt fully in the body. Gets expressed appropriately when necessary, or allowed to pass naturally when expression isn’t needed.

The integration process unfolds in stages, though not necessarily in strict sequence.

First, you see the part clearly without trying to change it. Name it simply. “Angry ‘I’ is here right now.”

Second, you acknowledge its presence without adding judgement. “Yes, anger is present in my body.”

Third, you begin to understand its function in the larger system. What does angry “I” actually protect in you? Usually boundary violations that went unaddressed. Some territory that needs defending.

Fourth, you give it space in awareness to exist. Anger can be present without taking over completely. Without ruling every response.

Integration completes when the part operates within the whole naturally. When it serves the larger system rather than trying to control everything. When it knows its place and function.

What integration actually feels like in the body: spaciousness increases noticeably. Different parts coexist peacefully together. Less internal conflict consuming energy. More energy available for living.

Gurdjieff taught this with characteristic precision. Man is legion, he said. Many “I”s with no master coordinating them. The Work creates unity gradually through developing a permanent “I” that includes all temporary “I”s in consciousness.

Deputy steward emerges first. Watches the “I”s temporarily when you remember.

Steward crystallises next with practice. Maintains awareness more consistently.

Master arrives finally after sustained work. Permanent “I” established fully, holding everything.

Someone in class recently asked about the difference between therapy and inner work. Therapy is restorative. It helps the various tenants in a house learn to live together more peacefully. Inner work is transformative. It puts the tenants in their rightful place, preparing the house for the master to return home, the true owner and landlord.

Each stage demonstrates more integration, less fragmentation, greater wholeness functioning.

Here’s the paradox worth holding carefully: you must see parts as separate clearly to integrate them properly. Once integrated completely, that separation reveals itself as temporary appearance within unified field.

Like learning to read. Initially, you perceive individual letters separately and distinctly. Then suddenly one day, the word appears as unified whole to consciousness. You stopped seeing letters and started seeing meaning.

Integration follows similar pattern. See individual “I”s with clarity. Then wholeness appears naturally through the seeing.

Section 3: The Weaving Itself

Integration doesn’t happen through thinking about integration. It happens through conscious attention given to each part as it appears. Through allowing contradictions to exist together. Through holding tension without forcing premature resolution.

Watch what actually occurs when different “I”s conflict.

An important work presentation is approaching. You’ve been preparing for weeks.

Confident “I” wants to shine, impress everyone, demonstrate mastery. Fearful “I” worries intensely about judgement, about failure, about exposure. Perfectionist “I” demands absolutely flawless performance, catches every tiny mistake. Authentic “I” wants genuine connection with the audience, real communication beyond performance.

Before integration, these four fight each other constantly. They create paralysis through their conflict. You rehearse obsessively because perfectionist is winning, then panic about being judged because fearful takes over, then inflate with ambition because confident dominates, then feel fraudulent because authentic protests. Round and round. Exhausting.

After integration, all four inform the response simultaneously.

Confident “I” provides essential energy and motivation to step forward. Fearful “I” sharpens the preparation, keeps you from being sloppy. Perfectionist “I” refines the content, makes it precise and clear. Authentic “I” guides the actual delivery, keeps it real and connected.

The result? Coherent whole rather than fragmented performance. Each part serving its natural purpose. Natural cooperation emerging without effort or forcing.

How does this integration actually happen? Not through a method you follow. Through repeated recognition. Through seeing what’s present without collapsing into it.

You see confident “I” inflate the night before. Notice it. Name it. “Confident ‘I’ is here.” You feel fearful “I” contract the morning of the presentation. Notice it. Name it. “Fearful ‘I’ is present.” You watch perfectionist “I” demand one more revision. Notice it. Name it. “Perfectionist ‘I’ is operating.” You sense authentic “I” wanting to just speak truth. Notice it. Name it. “Authentic ‘I’ is here.”

Then something extraordinary occurs that you can’t force or manufacture.

The noticing itself creates space. In that space, all four can exist together. None dominating. None suppressed. All available. All serving. You walk into the presentation and the energy from confident “I” moves you forward. The care from perfectionist “I” keeps you sharp. The wisdom from fearful “I” maintains appropriate caution. The truth from authentic “I” guides what you actually say.

This is integration functioning in real time.

The thread metaphor deepens here. Thread runs through all the fabric without eliminating any colours. Thread connects the various patterns without destroying them. Thread provides the essential continuity that makes the tapestry whole.

Without thread, just a pile of disconnected fragments lying separate. With thread, unified tapestry expressing complex pattern. Both are necessary. The colours need the thread. The thread needs the colours.

What you begin noticing as integration deepens: less internal argument consuming energy. More internal cooperation emerging naturally. Individual parts serving the whole organism rather than fighting for dominance. Energy freed from endless conflict becomes available for actual living.

Maurice Nicoll taught this movement clearly. The observing “I” must strengthen gradually through repeated practice. Eventually it becomes permanent through crystallisation. It holds all other “I”s in unified awareness. Like the conductor of an orchestra. Each instrument plays its unique part. The conductor unifies everything into coherent music. Neither suppressing the instruments nor being drowned out by them.

Section 4: The Permanent “I”

Gurdjieff taught something radical about ordinary consciousness. The ordinary person has no permanent “I” at all. Just an endless succession of temporary “I”s, each one forgetting all the others exist.

The Work creates permanent “I” gradually. This is what he called crystallisation. The establishment of unified centre in consciousness. What Martfotai recognition points towards directly.

Permanent “I” has specific characteristics you can verify in your own experience.

There’s a continuous awareness maintained across time and changing states. It remembers itself consistently. It holds intention steady through all state changes. It witnesses all temporary “I”s without judgement or identification.

This is Martfotai stabilised in consciousness.

How you verify this directly in daily life: in the morning, set an intention consciously. Throughout the entire day, that intention gets remembered. Evening review clearly shows continuity of consciousness rather than fragmentation.

Before permanent “I” crystallises, intentions get forgotten immediately. Morning “I” sets clear direction with full resolve. Different “I” appears at midday, knows absolutely nothing about morning’s intention, has different priorities entirely. Evening “I” arrives confused why the entire day went completely off course, wonders what happened to those clear morning plans.

After permanent “I” establishes, the thread maintains perfect continuity. All temporary “I”s get seen by permanent “I” simultaneously. Intention held steady through all the state changes that occur. The thread never breaks.

Consider a practical example everyone can recognise from their own life. Morning “I” declares firmly: “I’ll eat well today.” Full of resolve and determination. Clear about what that requires.

Later, Hungry “I” appears at lunch: “I desperately need something filling right now. Just this once.” Completely forgets morning entirely, operates from immediate need.

Evening “I” arrives with regret: “Why did I make that choice? I knew better.” Disappointed but disconnected from both morning resolve and midday hunger.

Before permanent “I” establishes, these three never actually meet each other. The pattern repeats endlessly without any learning occurring. Each “I” operates in isolation, without awareness of the others.

After permanent “I” develops, all three get seen simultaneously in one field of awareness. You see the morning intention clearly. You feel the hunger arising in real time. You recognise the familiar pattern operating again, the same machinery you’ve seen countless times before. And from that recognition, you choose consciously rather than mechanically. The choice might be the same, but the quality is entirely different. Conscious rather than automatic.

The establishment process requires significant time and repeated effort. Repeated self-observation builds the capacity gradually. Consistent non-identification strengthens awareness slowly, teaching it to witness without collapsing. Conscious suffering develops tolerance for holding tension, for staying present with contradiction. Intentional labour acts against mechanical habits, creates friction that generates heat for transformation. Gradual crystallisation occurs through sustained work over months and years.

Russell A. Smith’s teaching illuminates this beautifully. The impartial observer must establish first, as foundational capacity. It learns to see clearly before action occurs, without immediately reacting. This allows genuine conscious choice rather than mechanical response. A gap appears between stimulus and automatic response, a space where consciousness can operate.

This is permanent “I” beginning to function.

What actually changes in daily life when this establishes: promises get kept more consistently. Intentions maintain themselves across time and circumstance. Much less “I don’t know what came over me” or “something just snapped.” Much more “I see clearly what’s happening and I choose consciously how to respond, even if that response is difficult.”

Continuity replaces the exhausting fragmentation you’ve lived with for so long.

The deep relief this brings cannot be overstated: you can actually trust yourself now. You show up as you said you would. You remember what you committed to. You remain present and conscious rather than drifting into automatic programmes. Reliably coherent across time and changing circumstances.

Section 5: Nothing Lost, Nothing Rejected

True integration requires complete inclusion of everything you are.

Consider this: as a culture, we speak endlessly about diversity, equality, and inclusion in the outer world. We demand it. We legislate it. We train for it. Yet internally, we practice the opposite. We suppress, exile, and reject vast territories of ourselves. We demand outer inclusion whilst maintaining brutal inner tyranny.

That inner violence inevitably leaks outward. It appears as attack and castigation of others, the very opposite of the inclusivity and acceptance we claim to champion. What we cannot tolerate in ourselves, we cannot truly accept in others.

Every shame-filled part you’ve hidden from others and yourself. Every rejected aspect you’ve denied existed. Every hidden fragment pushed into shadow because it seemed unacceptable. All of them welcomed home finally.

What gets included in wholeness: the angry one who explodes when boundaries get violated, the petty one who keeps score and remembers slights, the jealous one who compares and finds themselves wanting, the proud one who inflates and seeks recognition, the fearful one who contracts and plays small, the controlling one who manipulates to feel safe.

All of them. Every single one.

Why this complete inclusion matters so profoundly: what you reject operates unconsciously in shadow where you cannot see it. What you include consciously can be seen clearly in the light of awareness. Clear seeing allows genuine choice rather than automatic reaction. Genuine choice allows natural transformation to occur.

Consider jealousy as a specific example. Common human experience that most people judge harshly in themselves.

The rejected approach looks like this: “I shouldn’t ever feel jealous. Jealousy is petty and small.” You insist on this whilst jealousy actually burns inside your chest, creates tension in your jaw, tightens your stomach. The jealousy you deny operates entirely in shadow where you cannot examine it. It manifests as harsh criticism of others who have what you want, intensely competitive behaviour that exhausts everyone around you, deep resentment that poisons relationships gradually over time.

The included approach operates differently: “Jealousy is present in this moment.” Simple acknowledgement without drama or story. Now you can actually examine what’s happening. What does this jealousy actually reveal about you? Often it points to unmet desires you haven’t acknowledged to yourself. Sometimes to unclear boundaries about what you actually want. Frequently to the painful comparison trap that measures your worth against others constantly.

Seeing clearly allows jealousy to inform behaviour without ruling behaviour completely. It shows you what you genuinely want but haven’t admitted, what matters to you that you’ve been denying or minimising.

Remember Episode 7? “I Am Shadow.” What you judge harshly in others exists somewhere in you, often in forms you refuse to recognise. Integration requires reclaiming all shadow material through conscious labour and intentional suffering. Owning what you’ve denied.

What true integration includes completely: capacity for cruelty, selfishness, deception, seen clearly without flinching or excuse. Owning the complete spectrum of human possibility that exists within you.

You are capable of these things under certain conditions. The question becomes whether you see them clearly or deny them. Denial doesn’t eliminate the capacity, it drives it underground where it operates more dangerously.

Light requires shadow to become visible. You cannot know light without darkness to contrast it. Wholeness necessarily includes everything, both what you call good and what you call bad.

The freedom this complete inclusion brings transforms everything: no more secret parts operating unseen in shadow. No more hidden shame poisoning your system from within. All of you becomes available to awareness, able to be seen and worked with consciously.

Try this verification practice right now as you listen. Think of the aspect you most harshly reject in yourself, the part you’re most ashamed of or disgusted by. Can you acknowledge that it exists somewhere in you, even if buried deeply? Can you see it clearly without immediately becoming it completely, without collapsing into identification?

This is what integration actually requires. Seeing without becoming. Including without acting out.

Section 6: Daily Practice

Integration requires daily practice. Real work. Sustained attention over time.

Morning Recognition

Sit quietly for five minutes before the day begins, before you check your phone or start planning. Ask yourself simply: “What ‘I’s are present in me this morning?” Name them without any judgement attached. Just observation.

Notice the awareness that sees all of them simultaneously, that holds them all in one field. That awareness is the thread itself, already functioning.

Set your intention clearly for the day: “Today I weave consciously.” Not as affirmation but as reminder.

Holding the Tension

Throughout the day, when contradiction appears in your experience, resist the urge to resolve it prematurely. Hold the tension consciously instead.

“I want to help others. I need to rest myself.” Both statements can be true simultaneously without one negating the other.

“I love this person deeply. I need distance from them right now.” Both true together, both valid, both real.

Allow both truths to exist simultaneously in awareness without forcing a resolution. Integration happens naturally in the conscious holding of paradox. The resolution emerges from the holding, not from thinking about solutions.

Evening Review

Five minutes before sleep. Recall one specific moment of fragmentation from today. Which “I”s were fighting? What was the actual conflict about beneath the surface story?

Recall one specific moment of integration from today. Which “I”s worked together harmoniously? What did that feel like in your body?

Strengthen what works by recognising it clearly. What you see clearly, you can repeat.

Weekly Inventory

Twenty minutes once a week. List all the “I”s that appeared during the past seven days. Which ones dominated most situations? Which ones got suppressed completely and never appeared?

Map your inner territory honestly. No fixing required at this stage. Just clear seeing of what’s actually there, what’s actually operating.

Monthly Visualisation

Fifteen minutes once a month. Close your eyes completely. Imagine your inner tapestry spread before you in your mind’s eye. See different coloured threads representing different “I”s woven together.

Where is the weaving currently tight and secure? Where is it loose and scattered? What is seeking integration next? What wants to be included but hasn’t been welcomed yet?

This visualisation reveals the actual structure of consciousness more clearly than thinking about it ever could.

Section 7: What Wholeness Reveals

Wholeness has specific markers you can verify directly in your own experience. This isn’t theory. These are observable signs.

In the body, you’ll notice: chest opens naturally without effort. Belly stays soft even under stress. Jaw releases habitually rather than clenching. Breath flows full and free without restriction.

Check this right now as you listen. Quick body scan. Where do you feel ease currently? Where do you still feel tension or holding?

In your emotional life: you can feel the wide range of human emotion without fragmenting into separate selves. Joy doesn’t require suppressing sadness completely. Anger doesn’t eliminate compassion entirely. All can exist together in the same field.

In your thinking: you can hold opposing thoughts together without immediate crisis. Contradiction doesn’t create the urgent need to resolve or choose. Paradox feels natural rather than threatening.

In your actions: promises actually get kept more consistently. Intentions maintain themselves through time rather than dissolving. Actions align with stated values more often than contradicting them.

In relationships with others: people consistently feel you’re “all there” with them, fully present rather than distracted or split. Your presence remains relatively unbroken by changing circumstances. They feel met and seen.

What others begin to notice about you without you saying anything: “You seem much more grounded lately. Something’s different.” “There’s a quality about you now that wasn’t there before.”

What you notice internally in your own experience: living feels less exhausting overall. More energy available for what actually matters. Things feel simpler somehow. Clearer. More whole.

The subtle shift that occurs gradually over time: quiet settling happens. Like a house finally built on solid rock instead of shifting sand. The foundation becomes solid beneath you. You can feel it.

Section 8: The Thread Through All Your Days

Integration extends beyond just current “I”s operating in present time. It includes every version of yourself across your entire life, every moment you have lived.

The same applies when seeing others. Maurice Nicoll taught that we never actually see another person’s inner life. We see muscular movements, facial expressions, bodily gestures. From these visible signs, we construct an entire imaginary person. We think we know them. We imagine their thoughts, their motives, their character. Yet all of this exists only in our imagination.

Most of us see only fragments of a person’s life – a single behaviour, a habit, a reaction – without following the thread that leads to it.

We say someone is addicted to smoking, yet they drive to buy cigarettes; we do not call them addicted to driving because we understand why they drive. Few trace the next step: the cigarette as a way to reach dopamine, the dopamine as a substitute for reward, the missing reward as the result of years without nourishment or recognition.

Our observation stops where our understanding stops. To see truly is to follow the thread further – from act to cause, from surface to source – until compassion naturally arises.

Integration means seeing your own thread clearly, and also seeing the threads of others, each woven by the same human longing for balance, safety, and meaning.

When you can follow the thread in another as clearly as in yourself, judgement ends. Seeing becomes love.

Nicoll taught about Living-Time and Passing-Time. All moments exist simultaneously in vertical time, accessible now. Linear time is simply how we perceive it – how consciousness moves through the eternal present. Vertical time reveals the actual structure of reality.

Integration gathers all scattered moments across your life and brings all time into this present now.

Try this direct verification. Remember one clear moment from years ago, as specific as you can make it. The awareness that noticed your experience then – notice the awareness functioning in you right now as you listen to these words.

Feel this carefully: is it a different awareness, or the same awareness expressing through changing circumstances, different body, different life conditions?

The thread has remained unbroken across all those years. Only circumstances changed. Only content shifted. Awareness itself continued uninterrupted.

Integration gathers these scattered moments together into one field. It brings all time into the immediate now. The thread connects every experience you have ever had into one unified whole.

What this reveals in daily life: you begin to recognise what you have genuinely been all along. The thread was always present, even when unseen. Now you see it clearly. The weaving that was always happening becomes conscious.

You were always whole. You just got used to looking at fragments.

Conclusion

Through this entire series, you’ve been weaving without fully realising it. Every episode another thread added to the tapestry. Every practice another stitch taken. Every recognition another pattern emerging into view.

The tapestry has been taking form all along, whether you saw it clearly or not.

You are the thread connecting all of them together. You are the weaving itself, the conscious activity that makes whole what appeared hopelessly separate. You are the awareness in which the entire tapestry appears, changes, evolves moment by moment.

Nothing has been lost through this work. Every experience you’ve had becomes integrated into the larger pattern. Every “I” that appeared gets included rather than rejected. Every moment gets woven into the whole. Nothing left out. Everything belonging exactly as it is.

Next week brings Episode 25: “I Am the Gate.” The crossing from form into essence. Where the Work itself becomes living transmission rather than teaching to follow. The gateway before pure perception begins.

The thread was always you, running through every moment you’ve lived, connecting every part you’ve been, making whole what once seemed separate and fragmented.

This recognition changes nothing about reality as it is. It changes everything about how you live in reality, how you experience your life moment to moment.

Visit martfotai.com for our weekly newsletter, guided practices, and extended teachings that support this recognition deepening in you over time.

Thank you for walking this path with us. For doing the actual work rather than collecting concepts.

This is Martfotai. I’m Gary Eggleton.

May your weaving be conscious. May your wholeness be clear. May you recognise the thread that you are, that runs through everything.